SAMPLE COVER LETTER
After job hunting for several months it is very tempting to lower your standards and start applying to jobs you are overqualified for at companies you have never heard of. Customizing cover letters for positions you don’t really want is an ego-bruiser and can be time consuming.
To help the jaded laid-off population in the nation, I have created a sample cover letter to send to underemployment opportunities. Please feel free to comment with one of your own.
Subj: Dejectedly Sent Cover Letter of Frustrated Unemployee
Dear Hiring Manager,
I tried to think of a witty intro to make my letter stand out from the hundreds you will be ignoring but was sidetracked by Ellen Degeneres dancing on TV. Clearly, I’m taking the time to write you because I’m interested in the opening you posted on a mainstream job board. I’ve been seeking an opportunity just like this, but for a better salary and higher position at a company the general public has actually heard of.
As you deliberate this placement consider the following:
I have functioned efficiently as a unit for over 5 months while the economy is failing as a whole.
I have redistributed my streamlined earning output by 2/3rds so that I don’t have to trade my gold 4 cash.
I have seen 86 episodes of Lost. Previous to my severance, I had seen zero.
After seven years in the industry, I have a thorough understanding of every aspect of what your business does. My last position was eliminated due to restructuring. It had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I worked around the clock being the best employee that I could possibly be. I view myself as a hard working troubleshooter who thinks outside the box. I’ll save you the trouble of asking this question in the future; my weakness is that I am too much of a perfectionist who sometimes doesn’t know when to stop. I used Internet research skills and Microsoft Office to find your post and compose this letter, clearly demonstrating that I meet the basic qualifications you listed in your want ad. Also, I’m a ninja. I believe my roommate’s cat to be a pirate.
If you are seeking a self motivated, career-committed, team playing hire who isn’t a jerk, then please consider what I have to offer. I look forward to speaking with you in person so I can finally justify buying the power suit I got on sale. Please don’t act bored and/or offer false hope of employment if we do meet face to face. My resume isn’t attached - that file paper clipped to this e-mail is actually a coupon for free KFC, courtesy of Oprah. I hope this demonstrates how dedicated I already am to helping your company stay cost effective.
Yours Truly,
Regina Phalange
By Cara Weissman, Contributing Writer, Reality Show Casting Professional and Founder of My Unemployment
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