One of the hardest things for job-seeking individuals to get passed is the pain of termination. You and the boss did not get along. So who goes? Why, you, of course! You’re fired! It’s bad enough if you lose your job through corporate downsizing, “restructuring,” company relocation or closure, but to lose your job because someone in power favored someone over you, sabotaged you or made a bad workplace situation worse or just didn’t see eye-to-eye with you — or was just plain abusive, is the hardest thing to dust yourself off, get up and start over again after feeling “poisoned” by a toxic work environment.

As an employment counselor, I see this all the time. It happens to the best of us and somewhere along the line, I am willing to wager, most people will have experienced it at least once in their working lifetime.

“The boss was a mental case. He’d curse and scream and throw things…” Or, “She was such a bitch.”(like the boss in Damages or The Devil Wears Prada).  Or I hear about how someone challenged some unfairness at work, or meant well on some issue but was misunderstood and before you know it, unspoken, implied bad vibes filled the air and settled like a pall over every workday. You can cut that tension, as the saying goes, with a knife in those situations…

Sadly, things can’t always be helped in cases of personality conflicts. Sometimes it’s just the way it is and nobody’s fault. It probably happens more often than not and not everyone is open to admitting it. It’s uncomfortable. You know it when it interferes with the performance of your work and you hate going in everyday. Better to get out and into a new job before being fired. People sometimes receive unemployment insurance due to firing or quitting. There is no hard and fast rule as the department of labor has appeals and grievance procedures and does hear the person out and judges on a case-to-case basis. However, there are no guarantees of receiving benefits. The hearings listen to employer as well as the employee challenging a refusal to issue benefits and this certainly is not a statement saying it’s OK to quit your job and expect to collect benefits. You are far better off slipping away into a new job before losing your current, unbearable one through being forced out and having to explain and hope the labor folks rule in your favor. It can go either way and you might be stuck holding the bag, complicating your grief, anger and bitterness. Even if you get unemployment benefits, you’ll still be bitter. That bitterness will destroy your job search efforts.

You must start over, no matter what!  There are some bleak and desperate moments in every loss in life, every negative, every sorrow and tragedy and most of us experience highs and lows before coming to grips with things as they are. It takes a lot of willpower and discipline to retrain the brain, develop new neuron pathways and  raise our emotional IQs, to successfully overcome the very human and normal bitter feelings of loss and rejection. It is lousy to have these experiences. They feel horrible, alienating, confidence-robbing and as if you were deserted. But you’re still alive and kicking! Whew. Thank God you’re out of there—however you lost it! Your health and happiness is more important.

Overcome you must—totally, truly, unequivocally, completely get passed the toxicity it has left you with—or it will color every attempt at your getting a new job. It will corrode your efforts, stall you in inertia and undermine your confidence. You can only fool yourself for so long. I have spoken to many people who are still tied to the situation or event. It is fruitless to try and suggest new ideas to them—because they are not ready to hear it and absorb any of it. Unfortunately, the onus is on the one who feels victimized—the one who lost his/her job. It can be overwhelming to accept and feel the resultant pain of rejection. The person is still “there” getting beat up!  Now you not only have to look for a new job but you have to let go of the past job and its attendant pain it caused you. Try to be a winning warrior. Take a stand with yourself. Get up and fight those feelings. Acknowledge them—then get on with it. Sometimes I think it’s harder to manage those feelings than to go about looking for a new job.

Now, I know it’s a process, getting over pain, but don’t be stubborn. You don’t have the luxury of allowing that pain to stall your next move. And the other person or persons at the former job do not deserve to have that power over you!

How do you know when you are “over” unfair job loss? When you don’t think about it all the time. When you don’t have a continuous need to hash, vent and rehash to make sense of what happened. When you can visualize yourself as walking away and looking back briefly only to forgive that individual or group of individuals whom you perceive has/have done you wrong. While you may or may not hold them responsible or the antagonists, you simply won’t care. It just won’t be that important to you any longer. When you are no longer haunted by the constant going-over “it” in your mind and with other people who lend you a sympathetic ear. When you are no longer depressed and downtrodden. When you’re not afraid to finally admit to others that you are no longer working there – and not have the need to rehash the story all over again. You will have finally understood that YOU are important and must move on, regardless of whodunit.

If it’s a case of discrimination and you want to file a lawsuit, get a new job first. Make your mark there and make the new folks like you. It’s a brand new day. You don’t want an EEO problem hanging over your head. It robs you of your time and energy, keeping you stuck back there—and what’s more—can raise red flags to the next prospective employer, if revealed. So many times people complain that they suspect a former employer is “saying bad things about them” and ruining their chances at finding new work. Some talk about interviews that went so well with imminent offers, only to have the plug pulled last minute without explanation or further communication. Know who you will use for a past job reference (who will give you a good one), if necessary, and consider getting another job FIRST. Then think about filing suit. Lawsuits are hugely expensive, may take years, are difficult to prove without specifically dated incidents in written documentation of hard-and-fast evidence—not opinion or third party or speculative—and very emotionally demanding. Some offenses are so egregious that the employer deserves a lawsuit! The main thing is YOUR survival, saving yourself from a horrific situation by being out of there—and finding a new place of employment. Never, ever mention your problems with previous employers on your subsequent interviews, either. Don’t allow it to erode your efforts towards finding a new job or succeeding in one, either. The pursuit of a lawsuit consumes new jobseekers in between jobs. Time and energy might be better spent in survival mode and starting fresh on the journey to a new job. (Please note: This opinion not legal advice. This is a personal decision that only YOU can decide upon, as to whether or not to press charges against a former employer before or after you get a new job—or at all. Find out if there is a statue of limitations on pressing charges, seek legal counsel in the matter and then decide if it’s worth it to you. Like the weather, know before you go and take everything into account. Whatever you decide, don’t let it interfere with your job search.)

You will know when you have arrived at the next station mentally and are ready to move forward. As in riding a train, the station will pass and become smaller and smaller, until a speck in the distance, that you can’t see it anymore. It will be many miles behind you because you will have left it in the dust where it belongs. And there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It will happen! Job loss due to personal issues won’t suffocate you. Your job search will feel a little freer, less burdened. Your spirit will be hopeful, buoyed by the sense that you are moving forward, even if in unchartered territory. The only worries you will have (difficult enough) is creating a livable budget (all right, semi-livable) to your next job, if your shoes are shined, your suit fits and where you are going for your next interview. You’ll be ready to meet your good fortune!

-By The Job Enthusiast

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Art by: SinnSykShit by Larsen