Writer’s Preface: A few months ago, I realized that the weekend is the best time for my writing for two reasons. First, I am using the month of December to re-double my efforts to find suitable employment. Second, I as I have stated in other writings, although I do my best to keep a positive attitude, I often find it difficult. This week was especially difficult because all but one of the positions I have interviewed for have been offered to other candidates.

Again, as part of my due diligence, I ask the prospective employers if there was any characteristic(s) that made them choose another candidate over myself. In the beginning of my job search I received some very useful constructive criticism, which I have acted upon. This time around, the general response I receive (when I get one) is that my qualifications are impressive, however in a subsequent round of interviews, another candidate was found who more closely matches the requirements we have. When I try to drill into the details, such as, did the candidate of choice have eleven years of experience in a particular area as opposed to my ten years in that area, or were the synergies better, I am usually told that there is not much to say, other than that there was a just a closer match. Although I knew finding another position would be difficult in this economy, I never felt that my time in between jobs would reach the six month mark. Another family member, who is trying to find another position because she is among the under-employed, is getting similar responses. As a result, this “perfect candidate” scenario remains an enigma. This thought has stayed with me most of this week while I read the news.

Although there was much to be upset about in the news, and I will not go into detail here, the one issue that brought a ray of hope to the table was the story about the positive turn in the U.S. Job market. It has always been my strong feeling that, although our competitors may be able to improve on U.S. Products, it is the U.S.A that comes up with the greatest number of original concepts. We have a passion for the products we make here that is unmatched anywhere in the world. It is this basic fact that will help end the recession, eventually.

To my fellow unemployed and underemployed brethren, I hope your season of good hunting does not go on hold during the holidays. Mine has not…

This week, I decided to base my submission on an interesting story I found on the back pages of the newspaper this weekend. According to the story, the British Military decided, as a cost cutting move, to discontinue their UFO hotline…

According to the article, many British citizens are upset. Perhaps they feel that Great Britain will become the International haven for visitors from other planets. As the Christmas shopping season is now upon us, I am very aware how depressing it can be for those of us who are unemployed during that period. As a result, I felt it was necessary to do a piece that would help to cheer up those of us who are in between jobs; something in a more humorous vein; perhaps it even boarders on insanity! I thought that it would be a great idea if I can get in touch with some of my contacts from England, and I had several in my previous positions, to land an interview with one of these members of an alien race, to see how they resolve their employment issues. Part of this idea is inspired by a book I read by Lawrence Sanders many years ago called “The Tomorrow file”, and part was also inspired by the works of Kurt Vonnegut. So my working title of this week’s submission is “Interview with an ET.” I thought of using the word Alien, however I felt it might be confused with visitors from another country. (Due to the length of this piece, especially if you print my introduction, you may want to split this into two parts. So I have labeled them accordingly). I hope the Xmas season brings us all good fortune. -Howard K. Young

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PART ONE

During my unemployment, I have made an extra effort to keep up with current events. When I read a newspaper, I read it from cover to cover, as you’ll never know where the next interesting story can be found. As many reporters are covering the story on the less pessimistic unemployment figures, I decided that I needed to turn my attention elsewhere. After all, there are many stories yet to be told about the trials and tribulations of those who are out of work.

Yesterday, I found a very interesting story towards the back pages. “British Military to close UFO hotline” was the tile of the article. My first reaction was: this is going to be tough for those civilians who were employed to man the phones. How do you put this on a resume? Will a prospective employer just laugh off your previous experience? How can you slant the experience so you can convince an employer that you have transferable skills?

I thought about it for another minute, then I had another idea: If Great Britain discontinues their UFO sighting department, then isn’t it possible that England will become a safe haven for visitors from another planet? I have always wanted to be a writer, but I have lacked a great story that is over the top, that would force a prospective employer to notice and hire me. If there was some way that I could score an interview with an extraterrestrial being, and ask how they handle their unemployment issue, then I would be noticed for sure! “Now I am really onto something”, I thought.

There is only one problem: how can I possibly arrange this interview? I thought for another moment, then the answer came to me. “Of course! While I was employed, I had many contacts around the world, including England! I have kept most of these contacts in my network, hoping that they could help me land my next position. Perhaps they know something that I don’t, and they can help me score an interview!” The answer came quicker than I expected. Thanks to one of my British contacts, who asked that I identify him as “Charlie” for the purposes of this article, I was able to find exactly what I was looking for. Charlie contacted me early this morning and promised to hook me up with a bona-fide extraterrestrial. “How do I know he is the real deal”, I asked? “I am sitting with him right now”, answered Charlie. “By the way, have you heard about how foul these bloody aliens smell?” “I can’t say that I have”, I answered, deciding to humor him. “Well, you can tell an extra-terrestrial from a human because they smell so bloody bad. I remember how you complained about the smell when you were interviewed near a landfill last month. I will tell you that the land fill smells like a perfume factory next to this guy. By the way, they think we smell pretty rotten too!” ….Sorry Axlvyzxbran. I remembered that interview.

The man told me it would be a difficult work environment, however when I got there, I had to say that it was an understatement. The smell in the office, as well as the whole surrounding area was very disturbing. In any case, that was one opportunity I was not too upset about losing. “What did you call him?” I was curious. “That is the closest interpretation to his name that our language allows. They have an extra set of vocal chords, so we cannot properly pronounce his name. But I can simplify it. Why don’t you call him Albert?” At this point I really didn’t know what to think, but I figured I’d go along with this.

At the very least, it would make interesting reading. Still, I had to be sure. So I again asked Charlie to satisfy my curiosity. “Listen” Charlie said. “You have a web cam, right?” “Yes, I do.” “I’ve asked Axlvyzxbran, I mean Albert, not to put on his human disguise today, so you will see him as he actually appears. In any case I’ll contact you via Skype so you can do this interview. Albert only has one request.” “What is that”, I asked? “He asked if you can limit your questions and try to keep it less than 15 minutes. It’s because he didn’t take his medication today. He needs it to dull his sense of smell. He says he can’t stand the smell of us bloody humans. By the way, did I tell you that his nose has eight nostrils?” I didn’t know whether to think that I was in some twisted Mel Brooks comedy skit, or if there was actually any validity to this. I really thought the nostrils part was over the top.

The larger question in my mind was, would anyone believe me? In any case, there was no time to spare. I had to think of a few good questions to ask…

NEXT: Part 2: THE ACTUAL INTERVIEW.

-By Howard K. Young, Contributing Writer & Member of The 405 Club.

View all of Howard’s posts here.